Turn of switch

It was lucky's 2nd birthday yesterday. I have realized that my life took another turn.

So far people have been nourishing me. I have been taken care of at parties or with parents or relatives. They made sure i was entertained and having fun. Now I have to do that for someone. I have to play the adult role. I am being called 'aunty.' I have to direct and make sure the kids are enjoying themselves. See to there needs. I miss being on the other side. But it's not bad being on this side. I quiet enjoyed myself - growing up. And it helps that all the kids liked me.

Does this mean that I am ready to be a parent. I know it's not an easy job. So many challenges, fears, etc. You require so much patients. It's a full time job. I see parent's who snap at their kids because they (parents) are not having a good day. I hope i won't be like that. I don't hope, i will try my best to be not like that.

Everyone at this party was wishing that I have kids. The priest blessed me to have twins. My mother-in-law dreamed that i have 2 chubby twin girls. The only person who now has to bless is my doctor. And God of course.

God please be kind and let me not loose my body. Help me loose my fear. Am I ready?

New day dreams...

I used to daydream about many things... Success at work, dream boy, marriage day. Now I am starting to dream of pregnancy.... Scary but maybe that means I am ready

Relationships

From the moment we are born into this world we are lied to. The first lie comes from our mother. She promises to never hurt you and never let harm come near you. It is a silly promise because she will not be able to control life that is about to happen to this innocent child. This innocent child will grow up and not be so innocent anymore. He/She will break some hearts and make some promises he/she won't be able to keep and hence the cycle continue. We are truly alone, we are born alone and we die alone...

Human relations are so volatile. If it a java code, then it is not very thread safe. For a while it seems like the perfect code, bug free, and then you get stuck in a dead lock. Can't get out, no way out. The process needs to be killed Unless you end the relationship itself.

But is that the answer. When it gets tough do we end it.? Some relationships i have had shocked me. They shocked me because they began with a lie, a promise that eventually got broken. It not only ended the relationship, but it changed me forever. I was not the same person anymore. How could one event change me so much. I loved this person and thought she could do no harm but she did.

So I am stuck with one question. What do I do? couple of solutions
1. Ignore, pretend nothing happened - i don't think i could do that
2. Forgive and Forget - I can forgive, it is in me, but can i forget, it will never be the same
3. Leave the relationship - so easy choice. sounds right.

Here is another way to think about it.

1. Yes they have been there for me +20
2. Yes they have hurt me -10 (good seems to out weight the bad) BUT
3. Knowing what i know would i have felt the same way i felt before getting in too deep - NO, it is not worth it.

So when the bad weights the good out, why bother. End it. Finish it. Is it that simple?

My sketch of NTR.. Amature but tried!