To be or not to be traditional….

I grew up in the India or maybe United States. You see I came to US when I was 13 years old. So it's hard to define me as an Indian or an American. What is my identity? Where do I belong?

I grew up (post 13) being confused. Should I follow the traditional life my parents have bestowed upon me? Or should I follow my peers? After a painful confused 10 years of my life, at age 21 it dawned upon me that I did not have to pick one. I can be whatever I wanted to be. I can choose to be traditional at some aspects of my life and not the other. Whatever made me and happy and comfortable.

Finally after multiple disagreements, drawing of boundaries with my parents and relatives I was about to find a balanced happy life. Until I got married!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong I am content with my marriage. I love my husband and am convinced that he is my sole-mate. We are the best fit for each other. But the problem is …. To be or not be traditional!

Suddenly my choice is no longer mine. I can no longer choose for myself when to be traditional and when to be modern. My modern yet traditional view of myself is no longer the same.

To bluntly put it… I know what my in-law family would like me to be... I know what my husband would like me to be... Traditional. Wear traditional long hair. Speak in more respectful Telugu language (never mind if I respect or not.) Cook for all. Clean for all. Be lovingly serving person. Basically all the Indian wifely duties Change the last name.

I am here at the state of my life and confused on not what to be but how to let these people know that it is up to me to be traditional. I am not sure how to explain to these people that growing long hair does not define any Indian culture. Speaking respectful Telugu does not define any respect. Changing last name does not defy family its love. The cooking and the cleaning and the duties are usual.

As I am writing this I am feeling that I am fighting a battle. I realize that I am not fighting this battle not with them but with myself. I am back to square one… Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to choose? This state of confusion is holding me back on being the best me and sharing the best life with my husband. How do I set boundaries with everyone around me to give them some of me and yet hold back at some to what makes me me!

I guess I will figure it out as life moves…