Turn of switch

It was lucky's 2nd birthday yesterday. I have realized that my life took another turn.

So far people have been nourishing me. I have been taken care of at parties or with parents or relatives. They made sure i was entertained and having fun. Now I have to do that for someone. I have to play the adult role. I am being called 'aunty.' I have to direct and make sure the kids are enjoying themselves. See to there needs. I miss being on the other side. But it's not bad being on this side. I quiet enjoyed myself - growing up. And it helps that all the kids liked me.

Does this mean that I am ready to be a parent. I know it's not an easy job. So many challenges, fears, etc. You require so much patients. It's a full time job. I see parent's who snap at their kids because they (parents) are not having a good day. I hope i won't be like that. I don't hope, i will try my best to be not like that.

Everyone at this party was wishing that I have kids. The priest blessed me to have twins. My mother-in-law dreamed that i have 2 chubby twin girls. The only person who now has to bless is my doctor. And God of course.

God please be kind and let me not loose my body. Help me loose my fear. Am I ready?

New day dreams...

I used to daydream about many things... Success at work, dream boy, marriage day. Now I am starting to dream of pregnancy.... Scary but maybe that means I am ready

Relationships

From the moment we are born into this world we are lied to. The first lie comes from our mother. She promises to never hurt you and never let harm come near you. It is a silly promise because she will not be able to control life that is about to happen to this innocent child. This innocent child will grow up and not be so innocent anymore. He/She will break some hearts and make some promises he/she won't be able to keep and hence the cycle continue. We are truly alone, we are born alone and we die alone...

Human relations are so volatile. If it a java code, then it is not very thread safe. For a while it seems like the perfect code, bug free, and then you get stuck in a dead lock. Can't get out, no way out. The process needs to be killed Unless you end the relationship itself.

But is that the answer. When it gets tough do we end it.? Some relationships i have had shocked me. They shocked me because they began with a lie, a promise that eventually got broken. It not only ended the relationship, but it changed me forever. I was not the same person anymore. How could one event change me so much. I loved this person and thought she could do no harm but she did.

So I am stuck with one question. What do I do? couple of solutions
1. Ignore, pretend nothing happened - i don't think i could do that
2. Forgive and Forget - I can forgive, it is in me, but can i forget, it will never be the same
3. Leave the relationship - so easy choice. sounds right.

Here is another way to think about it.

1. Yes they have been there for me +20
2. Yes they have hurt me -10 (good seems to out weight the bad) BUT
3. Knowing what i know would i have felt the same way i felt before getting in too deep - NO, it is not worth it.

So when the bad weights the good out, why bother. End it. Finish it. Is it that simple?

My sketch of NTR.. Amature but tried!

Arbor Day Tree Planting

Fight For Air

New Experiences new changes....

I want my life to change. I no longer want to be stuck in relationship rut. Here are few new things i did that i would never have done before.....


Presidential Towers climb for Fight for Air
Shamrock Shuffle 8K
Arbor Day Tree Planting

Photos coming....

King's Speech

What an inspiring movie! It is one of the few oscar worthy movies and mostly because of the script and action. Colin Firth is amazing, we deserved oscar.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany today...

tomidhi nelalu mosina ammaina, eppudo appudu ni todu vadilestundhi ga

now i know what has been bothering me and now i can move past this. Don't look for answers from someone always look within.

Diva like

Birthdays make you diva like... thank god it's over. I am back... 27 years old and 2 more to go for the big 30

It's my birthday

It's my birthday....

I am getting calls over calls. But I feel so empty inside. I am touched by people I loved but I feel untouched. Why am I feeling this way. Why is there this emptiness in my heart. I am looking answer and not finding it outside. Is it because God left me and I let him. I feel drained by relationships, disappointments and people in general. No one seems to be what I thought they are. Everyone has hurt me, I don't want to have any deep relationships or attachments. If not now they will break your heart. so why bother.

Something old becomes new

This world is truly small. These are some short experiences for me


1. Met a neighbor friend in IIT conference.
2. Met school classmate from JHPS in temple in Pitsburg
3. Met my waterloo friend in Chicago, IL (she moved here after marriage)

The world is truly small or it just seems that way to me. Either way I am excited that Namratha (waterloo friend) moved to Chicago. Something old is new again.... Old aquaitance is new again.

First day at your first job

I remember the jitters. Will I survive this and will I make it in this world. An intern joined our company today and I can see the fear in her face. I am sure my brother who just started working is feeling the same way.

If one thing I learned in the last 5 years of working, yes it's been 5 years since I was a student! Can you believe it? I am no longer the junior kid, or the youngest in the group. Kind of miss that attention. But on the flip side I am not the naive any more. I can handle the dynamics of work life. I have some experience. I am not the most experienced, not the best in the lot, but I consider myself a good developer.

Any way back to what I learned in the past 5 years is that time flies fast. Hence, the place you are stuck in right now won't last forever. Work is very fulfilling as long as you have balance in life. I could tell this to my brother but it's a lesson one has to learn on their own. Their experiences will teach it to them, good or bad.

Back to the 5 year thing... omg can you believe it, it's been 5 years since I started working! And 10 years since I graduated from high school... yes I got my 10 year reunion party! Next thing I know there will be kids popping out of me, so help me GOD.

Qs I want to ask myself

I got this suggestion from O Magazine..... Every day we ask questions to our self... Am I wearing my seat belt right now? What should I eat today? Did I turn off the oven? Lot of these questions are crucial for life. What about questions we ask for our soul? Were here are mine I ask my self!

1. Why do I not get motivated to hit the gym?
2. Why do I like chips over sweets?
3. Why do I have to finish a whole bag of chips? Why can't I eat with proportions for the day?
4. Why do I not let go of the relationship problems in my life? Why do they always come back to haunt me?
5. Why is it so easy for me to be a vegetarian but not be a healthy eater?
6. Why am I here? What am I meant to do in this life?
7. Where am i wrong?
8. What memories am I bartering and is the profit worth the price?
9. Why am I lazy?
10. Why do I thinks thoughts that hurt and not heal, when I know I should
11. Why is it that I am so successful in most aspects of my life but lack in some, mainly certain relationships (why the hell do I care) and my weight?
12. Am I stagnated in my life right now? Should I be kicking something now? Why am I not motivated to do so?
13. Will I be a good mom? When ever that may be...

Relationship Drought

When a person leaves a relationship they leave a mark, but why does the mark turn into a scar

One person walked out of my life. It had nothing to do with me. It had something to do with my family feud (that has been going on since before my birth) She was supposed to be objective about the position I was in and understand my feeling but she choose to walk away. Her lose right.

Another example is one my friend. She was going though a rough patch. Divorce. She was trying to to move on with her life and I helped her, at least I thought I was helping her find a job in chicago. However she found a job in another place and moved away. Which is completely fine and I was very happy for her but the thing that hurt me was she never told me in person her dicision and lied to my face and constantly told me she took the chicago job and couldn't have the fact to tell me 'thank you but no thanks' She started avoiding my calls, stopped calling me. She was disrespectful to the friendship and who I was.

There are many more examples like this. Why can't they be straight to me. Why can't they be honest? Why do people have to be petty. If I come out of the box called my life and I see my self with all my relationships I see that I am expecting all the people in my life to live for greatness. I am expecting them to never make mistakes and to be more than human.

After this and many more disappointing relationships with friends and family members. I am giving up on them. My husband tells me I should have that many expectations on people. But I can't help myself. If I give them a hand to shake then I expect them to extend there hand to shake back.


God give me strength to walk alone

Ganesha

Hi Ganesha,

Thank you for coming into my life in many forms. I thought it was the lost cause after one of your idols broke, but you kept manifesting in my life through gifts from others. I drew this ganesha out of my heart.

Love,

Aparna